So I’ve built a wooden heart inside this iron ship to sail these blood red seas and find your coast. Don’t let these waves wash away your hopes. This war is ship-sinking, I still believe in anchors. Pulling fistfuls of rotten wood from my heart, I still believe in saviors. But I know we’re all made out of shipwrecks, every single board.
When you’re looking at the glass and realize that you’re not watching your favorite show on the other side. Those aren’t actors. Those aren’t created characters. There isn’t an immediate happy ending. There isn’t any comic relief. The doctors know what to prescribe. The nurses are doing everything they can. He is too young to die. She hates herself. They’re going to a psychiatric ward because they can’t get along with their parents. They need to start actually being parents. And there’s nothing I can do except for watch and listen.
Lately, so many things remind me that I do miss this, that it is what I want to do after all.
Hold on, hold on to your old ways Or put off, put off every old face And I know, I know you are changed now I hope, I hope you’re arranged out I’m still asleep and you woke me up again I’m still asleep but you woke me up to be holy
Look upon what you can’t touch, pray the ground you stand upon is love. Cause a river flows in the desert somewhere, I swear. There may be beasts drinking from the river but we’re not scared. Cause there is peace hiding in this desert and the river will take us there, it will take us there.
What have I seen other than what the bottom looks like? Stuck somewhere between the gloom and the light When you’re working towards building back those broken boards You sometimes lose your footing You often find yourself putting off everyone while finding comfort in other songs To distract the fact that you’re actually disappearing I have no excuses that I can offer Just the hope that your forgiveness will hold back the water For what its worth, I’m sorry And at the end I swear I’m trying.
A string of sleepless nights and a paranoid heart There will never be enough time If that’s even all it takes. These used to be warning signs Now it’s just a Saturday night and the people around me I didn’t feel at home anyways. Our hearts love for different reasons So I can’t blame the storm sent to bury the sun. You reach out your hand with a face that begs me to hold on I shrug and look away, “It’s not that easy anymore.” If I haven’t felt normal in two years, maybe this is the new normal.
I don’t want to live forever, I just want to live for us. But the head on my shoulders keeps driving me to be careless. Our brains don’t want to listen, ears squinting for some honesty. It gets slippery here, hold on. We’re not ourselves probably. I don’t want to live forever, I just want to live for you. But the devil round my doorway keeps singing me something new. So I’m listening with idle hands cupped tight around both ears, my mind’s open like a burned down house, I haven’t died at all this year.